previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
about your name why not a library uh well you know we were a library oh so you were right they
were a library yeah i guess it's a very clever name uh the second thing he put down here is
potatoes potatoes of all sizes okay grab a giant potato bowl for potato soup with a side
of roasted potatoes he lays the the bill down on the table and says uh take your time
i have this card it's favoring frequent flyer miles i don't know what this is it's legit and
i put it back in my pocket oh my gosh you guys there was a lot of gold in there we have to
retrace our steps maybe we should and i'm not big on this but alert the authorities i reach
into one final pocket and you you feel something kind of sticky and you pull your
hand back out and there's some jam on your hand and a note and the note says
tanks for goblin place oh my god they stole all of our money yeah those turnt little so-and-sos
oh
welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons we're a dnd fifth edition actual play podcast and i'm your
dungeon master rusp More and with me today is tom laird hey that's me i play moot and carla
max dead that's me i play glim and Amy More also known as mrs dm and i play sullivan slight
no one has ever called you that i don't know but i think we're gonna start
well welcome to the show everybody we were so prepared for the last one now we know how
prepared we are for this one so prepared so we're prepared double triple prepared where we're
boy scouts really prepared is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast sometimes
i was gonna say really prepared sometimes we have prepared previously lots like there's a lot
in there there's a lot of things for you to enjoy and explore if you become a patron like
tons and hours and hours of bonus content like 40 plus hours of bonus content easily
prepared so many things prepared like the name we have prepared tonight when you get a
patron dedication oh that took a real sharp turn wasn't exactly prepared correctly when you are
yep when you are a patron you get an episode dedicated to you like today's
patron who we prepared ahead of time jordan cooper thank you thank you jordan and now
now we should go get a drink
no like we're done yeah like we're done all right let's go to the not a library
fuck it let's play dnd you're just trying something new it's just you know
just leaning into it fake out this guy everybody just gave me a look like what are you doing
this is not how the podcast clearly i did not know consistency comfort previously you were
i was uncomfortable because i did not prep a lot but you were very comfortable in the not a
library tavern inside of el churro the city that you are now in you have eaten potatoes
and so many wild artichokes or marinated artichokes that you are now full from
a long travel of just jerky and rations and jam full from a long travel of jerky and
while eating what word tapestry are you weaving for me right now
full after long travel of which point you were only eating it's getting better rations
and jerky and jam you got there okay we all understand language is nebulous it's only
matters if you get your meaning across and we knew what you meant yeah i thought so
anyways you have no money and you're sitting at the table figure that shit out mon looks
over and says yeah yeah just i'll catch it you just leave it on the table i'll i'll get
you guys when you're uh actually mon can you uh can you come over here for just a second
yeah just a sec and he finishes up with uh another patron at the bar and he asks
us over says yeah did you want something else uh well no i was just kind of wondering
um i give you a lot of really good information um like lots of great ideas yeah um and i
i'm just kind of like we're just you know i'm young i'm just starting out in my life
um wondering if like like you would find that information and and the ideas that i gave you
worth any monetary value um well we haven't implemented them yet so it's hard to say
whether they would be better than potatoes that that that is true um
okay what if i level with you here for a second
mm-hmm and i look at my friends and i go we
were unknowingly robbed at the last time we went in
oh no and i turn out my pocket and reveal a handful of jam what is that what you know down
in daggerford up in daggerford up in daggerford yes they got this large jam jar i have heard of it i
have not had the privilege to be able to go to daggerford well i wouldn't suggest going
because the goblins have kind of um there are goblins in daggerford there are goblins in
daggerford i heard it was just it was a clean cut town with a world's largest jam jar
well the goblins took over and um and we kind of helped to sort some things out and we even
did like really great humanitarian things or gobletarian things okay and set up a whole
district for them so that they would stop their shenanigans of looting and killing and
robin and stuff like that uh and and we and we left feeling pretty good about ourselves
and i nod at my friends like right yeah and um and even for our troubles because we were gods
on a caravan we got 500 gold pieces wow that is a lot of gold pieces it was a lot of gold pieces
what oh yeah i'm so sorry you guys it was 500 gold pieces oh i thought didn't he tell us 100
ears kind of perk up for you paying attention ears kind of perk up and people
paying attention to you the goblins stole all 500 gold pieces i show the um i show i show mon
the sticky jam note that was left in my pocket i don't i don't need to hold it i can see it
from here it says mine too i also pull out mine thanks for the goblin place what does that mean
well we helped them set up a complete district you set up a goblin district in a town
previously not inhabited by goblins well it was inhabited it was inhabited between
warring factions and everyone got a share of the town and i guess the goblins also took
all of our money which brings us to now where we just enjoyed some artichokes and some
potatoes and and where we could have run out um so what you're saying is you've you've
come into my establishment in thinking that we had 500 gold pieces my menu oh no i think
you are twisted no we would never insulted your menu your exclamation your potatoes
were fantastic the potatoes but now you're telling me you have no money how do you not
realize you don't have 500 gold that is quite a hefty just by weight well in our defense
we didn't know we had 500 gold to start with that's true and in my defense i have quite
the bubble booty and so i was not aware that um my pile of gold was missing from back there
well what am i to do i am a shop owner who has given you he looks at the
seven gold worth of potatoes and artichokes what and this is why we have honestly told
you about this how could we repay you in other ways that maybe do not require gold at this moment
obviously we're gonna be sleeping outside tonight
because i'm pretty sure that that they we are an end make a persuasion check
um
negative one anybody who can wait persuasion plus four anybody who can justify helping can give
sully advantage um like suggestions in ways that we could help yes uh well there's the the actual
action of helping so yes in game you would you you would suggest you know to corroborate
that's a crit one that's a one okay never mind even if i'm gonna maybe just try sir
you see him getting a little bit agitated we sincerely apologize for this terrible mistake we
never would have done this intentionally how can we make it right do you have dishes that you
need washed or um do you do you have maybe a part of your roof that needs to be repaired
mood is an expert roof repairman do you like something else we could help with
do you like fun magical items
you know you know uh shelly i'm tired tired of hearing about your
your story right now the other two of you roll persuasion 20 oh i'm persuasive i forgot
very good yeah pAlydins have like badass charisma yeah uh oh i also have good charisma
but not as good as yours it was a 16 for me
look there are hardly any dishes to wash she looks around she's like they've already been
cleaned you're going to be sleeping on the streets tonight if no one helps you
you
there is a job posting board that could get you perhaps the money you require to first pay me
back but then take care of your negligent bookkeeping if i allow you to stay the night for
a silver on on credit
right you go do some jobs you earn the money you need you pay for the potatoes
we're good if you can't however
or refuse or disappear all i have to do is call the guard they will find you
and we will happily work to repay our debt
right yeah absolutely wait could you point us toward this job board
yes yes i can it is um towards towards the center of town you can go check it out tonight
come back rest up go find the people who are offering the jobs tomorrow and see how many you
can can undertake thank you mon that sounds very fair we're so sorry about this
you know before the cult attacked i was a much stricter individual and would have perhaps
just gone straight to the guard but not anymore no i'm looking to take a chance
on you three we won't like don't change your mind we appreciate that we'll be the first in
line to look at that message board i would hope so
do you go look at the message yeah i think yeah we do sheepishly get out of that booth
and like shuffle past i'm like oh no god sorry amy is uncomfortable right now
with this i mean i think this exchange too it's so it's very awkward i don't like it
good i did something yeah um okay you had everybody make a perception check as you
head out of this uh establishment at disadvantage uh for those feeling extremely ashamed
um well already wasn't good but oh that's worse to 18 14 uh 18 and 14 you um you begin to head out
and you see that the the few patrons who are still left in the tavern at this time um a
couple of them have been eyeing you since the mention of 500 gold was thrown around and a
couple kind of look at you and they're just shaking their heads and you hear kids these days
you head out into the streets and follow mon's directions towards the center of town it's
getting dark but they're lighting uh lamps through the street and you make it to a job
board where you find that there are several jobs available the first that you read uh sully
pull it off the board and you read all right here's one uh help my mother-in-law has come
into town for a visit and i need someone professional to inflict me with some awful
disease or some other affliction so i have an excuse to stay in bed and not interact or be
around her please no afflictions that cause permanent damage or death mildly life-threatening
okay meet me at 10 pm behind that bar that smells like old goat you know the one 50 gold
upon disease delivery um it sounds like a lot of money but i don't i don't know how i feel
about inflicting i don't know how to do that can you make someone diseased moot uh i don't
think i can um no no i i mean i can make him cold does like frostbite count i could like
stab him or something i mean that puts you out for a while but it seems it seems kind of harsh
um maybe uh okay well this is the only one that i can reach that's actually low enough for
me to see is is maybe there another one that because i mean let's put this one in the maybe pile
yeah okay well here this one's from higher up wanted internship with seasoned adventurers
i've admired heroes all my life and want to try my hand at it i'm hard working loyal and
a team player well it grows fast i mean i guess because we're not seasoned enough is that why
you think it isn't a good option well that and they're not offering any monies well usually with
internships no no money changes hands yeah so well okay also try hard much i mean come on
the wanted ads really are your desk we don't want someone that desperate either
okay you're right you're right oh i see one here uh help local bar needs assistance creating
a list of 100 dirty jobs no one wants to do a small payment will be available as well as your
name as a contributing author in the book i'm writing sully that sounds like it'd be great
for you you've had so many jobs yeah i could probably do that one let's put that in the more
likely pile okay kate wanted dead or alive bone crusher orc chieftain to the south
warning very heavily armed and dangerous as many henchmen reward a thousand gold pieces
oh i mean that's a lot of gold how many is many henchmen
oh i see i have another one here too um cobalt flour local baker seeks cobalt flour for the
upcoming monster festival this specialty item can only be found in cobalt encampments will pay
10 gold pieces per pound maximum of 100 pounds well i'm wondering is that flower made from
cobalts or is it collected it's what i thought it doesn't really say but you wouldn't think
they would keep that oh here's when the cobalt encampment right oh i would hope not i i don't
know well what about this one um music tuta my son stevie wants to be a bot but the kid has
absolutely no talent brutal parents i want to enjoy my time at home without the shrieking
of his horrible electric loot destroying the peace i'll pay you 10 gold to give him some
lessons and if after a couple his music becomes less painful i'll give you 100 gold bonus
contact john harris at 75 latin avenue does anyone does anyone play the loot
i don't i also do not play a loot so so far the best one that we have read so far is i will
come up with 100 dirty jobs bookkeepers needed not really bandit wizards have been trying to
steal my personal library of arcane books need tough preferably illiterate bodies to
defend collection until i can secure safer storage oh well i think we could be the muscle
we could be muscle we are not illiterate but that's just a preference well yeah we can just
say we have no interest in reading books i guess some of us have interest but i can lie
i could fake it okay so we've got bandit wizards we've got the what was his name bone
crusher bone crusher we've got cobalt flower cobalt flower hundred dirty jobs or that guy
you could stab that guy oh yeah what about what about food poisoning for the guy would that be
an option what if we got him like some really rank food and had him eat that you know what
maybe this sounds like something that we should all take a job and go and talk to the people
and get a little more information like moot you talk to the guy you say hey would food
poisoning be adequate and i will go and talk to the person who needs 100 dirty jobs and you
know ask what his you know level of dirty is exactly and then maybe you glim could go and
talk to uh the person who needs some muscle for the wizard bandits okay okay yeah i'll get
some more details there's no there's no um what does he even say how much money he's
gonna give us he doesn't even say how much money exactly we definitely need some more information
from that guy okay uh so what's the thing you're gonna take each take a job here
and then or at least no we're gonna go like get some info and then meet back up and then
tomorrow maybe do some jobs perfect okay well the one i'm going to talk about is uh 10 p.m
so it has to happen tonight if it's gonna happen right yeah you look at your watch and
it's uh 9 47 okay uh i i roll back into not a library and flag down mon and i say uh mon
do you have any uh like really old spoiled food that you're like throwing away or maybe
you know where i could find some really old spoiled food well we um we don't throw out
a lot of food you know we purchase uh perfect amounts for the people that we sell to why do
you need spoil i just gave you really good food why do you need no i know your food was delicious
i need spoiled food for a job oh you went down to the board and this is yeah this is one of the
things on the board so is do you know where i could that's fine so okay um i mean let me go
look in the back i guess how spoiled do you need it he's yelling as he's walking into the kitchen
i mean more spoiled the better or if you have any mild poisons you hear a muffled conversation
um he pokes his head back around did you say poisons yeah
oh give me a second he goes out when you hear a door opening in the back of the kitchen
oh just yelling from back there oh god why did moot come back here okay now you open up the
door and head in there i started you can see he's got goop on his hands he's like i started
his hands he's like i started rummaging through the the trash and i thought why would i do this
when it's your job sure feel free to look through and see if anything is as spoiled as you desire
okay and about the maybe mild poisons i i mean no we don't have poisons here we're
we're a tavern okay you know just thought i would ask you know there's maybe been like
a rodent problem or something in the past no we're very clean we're not like the old goat in
okay all right good to know good to know and where is that old goat in
oh it's on the other side of town oh okay bit of a hike you'd have to run fast if that's
where you're going to get spoiled foods yeah is is does it also smell like an old goat
by the old goat in i mean we are very aptly named not a library old goat in smells like old goat
okay perfect yeah um do i see any food that would uh fit the bill for my plan
make an investigation check well i would love to do that investigate that shit that is after
bonus come on investigation a 16 um you find something that you think would probably be it
looks it smells a little off you tell me what you find though uh i find like a a charcuterie
board that had been left out for like three days with no refrigeration okay cool um yeah
you find that and mon looks at you and uh yeah that looks great you let me know how this one
goes i'm curious to see what happens well i should i should know tonight great great great great
okay well uh yeah old goat in other side of town take
sully and uh glim yours um probably more daytime oriented what do you do
while you're waiting for moot is this a real nightlife kind of town if it seems like the town's
still bumping we can go talk to these people right now yeah there's things happening sure
yeah who wants to go first i'll go okay where do you go i go back in
poor mon well he's the only guy we know i go talk to mon shully you're back oh yes
do you need charcuterie too oh uh no i i i don't really like seafood all that much um but i was
wondering i i see this ad here for there's a local bar that needs assistance and i was hoping
to help him out very cool do you know where i can find him are you a musician in and of
your own no but i've had a lot of jobs oh you were a musician well i was a musician
there's a slight pronunciation difference i was a musician yes oh great um does it say which
bard you're looking for uh he's writing a book well uh at this time of night they're probably
earning their living working one of the other taverns of them my own so i'll just go back up
and then if you so desire here see if i can't get a rash here is the local bar hopping map
oh yes this is a nightlife to kind of say it is not what i would have expected well thanks so
much mon we're gonna pay you back man we're hard working we're no schlaps i can tell i can
tell already that you three glim do you need help i do i'm sorry um i'm looking
for a person who has a large library of arcane books that someone might be trying to steal
does that sound like anything it's weird if you wanted help from someone you would
not give any contact information and even more confusingly it explicitly says he prefers
illiterate people in a written ad
i love that
i didn't even clue that in that's awesome it's just thinking about how i would find this um
okay excuse me sir i had someone read this for me yeah um okay let me let me look at
the note and he takes it from you he says yes okay this is the handwriting it does say
illiterate so you're gonna perhaps want to tell them that um you you had your friends read it
for you yes yes it seems like a wise way to approach the situation um wise master mesix
is the one you want to look for and where do you think he might be
um well you would find wise master mesix um at his at his abode at his home um on on uh
pepperoni
on pepperoni lane
in the cured meats you know it well well we were walking past i smelled something so
okay i will find wise master mesix thank you thank you again for all your help we're gonna
we're gonna get you paid back as soon as we can i can't wait i can't wait
so
hey we're here in the middle it's time to sing the song what we call the middle
keep going oh now break it down for the rap part russ this is where we talk about the middle
and we don't know where it begins or ends but it's the middle perfect i love the middle
middle line beautiful yeah yeah thanks everybody um that's all i'm here for uh and take it away
where we do more awesome singing is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast where
we're reaching another goal can you believe it so goal oriented you're very goal oriented
the last goal was kind of a funsies goal where we did an austin powers one-shot game
yeah we did if you haven't listened to that become a patron so you can because it's really
something it's it's something else it's available entirely but our next goal um we are what we're
trying to do with this what we do with all of our goals is we pay for all of our hosting
we pay for all of our subscription services um music sound effects uh editing software
microphones liquor for amy liquor for amy very important podcasting tool yes contest prizes
which we have another one in the works coming up very very soon more announcements coming up
about that later because it's not totally planned out i just said it so now it's going
to happen now insane hand movements tonight he's typing on an imaginary computer he's airbending
um but our next goal so uh what we're doing is we're making sure that we can say for maybe
doing some some cons or some other contests or some something coming up and what will happen
when we hit 450 a month over on Patreon is we will record a character swap episode
now do we get to choose the characters are we gonna roll dice to decide or are we gonna pick
carolyn i love that carolyn i love letting dice decide yeah i do i do like it how i picture it is
we will allow patrons to either pick a character set or three individual characters and a gm
because the gm is going to go into the hat too oh yeah forgot to mention that uh russ
just did that thing where like villains will bite their fingers he made like quite an evil
little face yeah um so the the gm will go into the hat and then we'll figure out how we're
gonna pick the the three characters with all of the patrons who come and join us
and then we'll just draw and see who's running the game and who's playing who
and i think it's gonna be a hoot it's gonna be something is this removed from
questions i have in the middle for us bring stuff up and i'm like hmm
is this removed from the timeline or what you do as thea gonna fuck up the rest of my thea life
i mean that depends where we're at i think we'll see how it goes you know what characters
it ends up being it could be gone and come back that could be a thing yeah it could be
just whoever DMs make sure that you somehow cancel amy's spells yes and i guess kill my
characters yeah so it might be a non-canonical game but i think it will be fun regardless but
that's going on over at Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast we want you to join us
come join us over there it'll be a blast and now we'll get you back to the episode
where take us out with a rap where they're doing all the sweet dirty jobs
and they're gonna do something with dirty job lists
okay bye i'm sorry goodbye
okay we cut back to moot who's made it to the old goat inn and it does in fact you can get
whiffs as you round the corner of a certain farm animal perhaps a goat i get it yeah name
name checks out you you check the local time keeper and it is uh it is just past 10 o'clock
uh i make my way behind the bar does he yell something like
just past 10 o'clock and all is well do you know where your children are exact
uh hello hello is anyone back here uh you hear uh kind of bumping of uh of piled up
ugly because you're behind a bar yeah and then those two people say excuse me
oh sorry looking for the guy who's afraid of his mother in law yeah that way oh all right
perfect thanks for the heads up they just carry on and um and yeah you turn around and you see
a uh a a younger uh kind of late 20s early 30s human male awkwardly standing beside two people
bumping uglies oh my you picked a hell of a place to stand behind an inn that smells like
all the goats maybe they've got a thing for like being in public yeah i guess
yeah uh he looks to you and says yeah what's what's it to you uh well i was i was curious
uh would like food poisoning work would that knock you down a peg for a day or two oh
you're here about the job not just watching the people bumping uglies no is this why you
picked this time because you wanted to just sit here and watch this i mean there's nothing
good on tv right now what's the tv it's the the the the box that i have oh you've you've got a
box yeah okay cool yeah cool sometimes the rats get up and dance on top of it back to the
previous question right would food poisoning work for your little endeavor oh you know
she's seen through food poisoning before let me uh what kind of food poisoning are we talking
about here well we're talking like it's coming out of both ends of you're not sure which one
it's gonna come out of next you know the real good kind of food poisoning that's that's that
you're gonna have food poisoning that's the kind you want the kind where you're still
winded walking upstairs like three weeks later oh the kind where you don't leave the bathroom
yeah um how long do we think this food poisoning would last and i was was hoping for
something that would uh allow me to stay in my bed as the ad dictates sure um but i mean i'm
working on a tight timeline here and this is the best i could come up with okay so if if
you don't feel like it's gonna work i mean like this will work and get you out of your mother-in-law's
sites for a day or two look see i like where your head's at
i'm gonna take i'm gonna make a persuasion check oh it was a 19 i hoped it was a 20 so badly
because then you could yell something right i could yell yeah yeah i was leaving it is a
nine um 24 i guess after my bonus you know i didn't want to be
so indisposed but i mean i feel like you're trying to have it both ways here a little too
fine my friend yeah you're right you're the only one who's shown up so far okay okay
here's here's what i can do i'm gonna eat this yep if i get as ill as you say i'm going to get
i shall deliver the funds to you directly right now we'll wait until it kicks in you and i here
together just while these other people are still here how else full just uh you see the other
two people at the top the conversation that you have and you'd be like jeez like get a room
and they begin uh fair robing and and re-robing re-robing they were fully disrobed behind
them wow all z i like it yeah i think it plays into their you know in public uh situation
they're asking to be caught right i'm not gonna yuck there y'all right exactly uh you
might be yucking some yum here though so um well it's like the things we do for money right
part of the stipulation of the job there sorry your name was uh moot my name's perfect frank
nice to meet you um part of the stipulation is to make sure that the the disease works
i don't want to have you know say i got an iron gullet and i can stomach this he sniffs it
oh if i can stomach it that's obviously not worth 50 gold and i wouldn't end up in bed
for for days on end shitting out all of the bad things inside of me
yep oh boy there are bad things i mean if if it does work and you're not interacting or
be rounding your being around your mother-in-law then i feel like it's well worth this is my
point good friend moot um so let us eat no no there will be no us
right yes no sorry this is a solo endeavor for you my friend um force of habit i i
never mind let me eat hand me the the the food he begins eating
so lee you've made it to your fifth bar i'm a little drunk make a constitution saving it is
just a little it's in bad form to go into a tavern and to not have a pint reminder you
don't have any money so how have you been paying for these i've been making good friends
who've been like oh man buy this guy a beer that kind of thing okay cool um that was i'm
that was i'm sorry it was constitution constitution oh that's a plus one nine
so you are as they say wasted awesome yeah and you make it to the fifth bar and there's some
i mean there's been some music but um i mean the the inquiries you've had about the the
bards playing up up to this point have led you to believe that they weren't the person that
you were looking for and you come into this bar and there is very loud music happening
everybody is up and dancing and having a grand old time and you walk to the front and you see
a a tall slender female with leather a leather dress very bedazzled she's has a sitar
wow all right real ethnic up in here yeah she's very swanky she's plucking and strumming and
everybody's moving to the do you say the crowd is undulating they're undulating gross
undulating crowd let me give you a suggestion disgusting you think this would be
where people would be doing it on the bar or no on the bar maybe you're right maybe um
and she finishes her set and she comes down off the stage and she goes up to the bar and
grabs her drink and she's just meeting and greeting with a few people who are shaking
her hand um what do you do i walk up to her confidently and i say i think you you might be
the bar bard i'm looking for and uh what what bard are you looking for i'm looking for the
bard who wants the dirty jobs you you you saw my ear here hear about the posting absolutely
wonderful wonderful well come have a seat come have a seat thank you must figure out what kind
of jobs that these dirty jobs are that you will be suggesting to me for my book that i'm writing
absolutely you know what i just have to say number one you're out for this fantastic
thank you yours is sparkles yours is wonderful as well i like the the leathers that you have
going on there as well yes your leathers and all them like did i mention the sparkles
let me introduce myself my name is lady extravaganza oh wow very so i'm picturing
she is dressed like uh rob halford from judas priest
yeah yeah exactly perfect you have charisma uniqueness nerve and talent my friend
thank you you're trying to butter me up but um rest does not know but thank you for laughing
right you gotta get the reveal at the end and anyone else who likes if you somehow pull off
a wig and have another wig underneath that would be ideal rupal's dry grace oh yeah and it spells
out cunt oh yeah sure perfect yeah miss the reference sorry sorry i haven't caught up for
you it must have been later seasons that that one came out every time oh yeah it's like
pretty much every episode that's okay it's all right all right uh so we we need uh
i need a list of a hundred dirty jobs that no one no one wants to do
you think you're up to that job oh i have no one's been up to that job before that's number one
creating this list well you know what i'm gonna have to come up with a hundred and one
because that one doesn't count also i'm not good at math
so i mean you still have to only come up with 100 yes i would um but also there is a question
about payment i am not going to come up with a hundred dirty jobs and then have you go thanks
and then not pay me because let me tell you right now unfortunately i was robbed and i did
not find out about this until after i had already ordered potatoes oh yes the potato
yeah well he you know mon is he's a nice guy and uh and i'm just trying to do right by him
but i don't want to waste my time coming up with a hundred jobs which i can totally do
and then not get paid at the end no yes there will be payment there will be payment it's not
much you know the the author gig is not um not one that pays a lot up front oh no fair enough
yes um so as as my as my advertisement said uh a small payment
which is what uh two gold oh that is not gonna cover the potatoes but but but
your name would go into the book as a contributing author fame and fortune when
this one strikes the streets
this sounds a lot like when people ask artists to do work for free for exposure yeah
let me my portfolio look two gold is worth plenty plenty to someone
who has has no gold and we're merely listing jobs
all right fine you got yourself a you got yourself a writing instrument
i do let's fucking do this all right ready go wedgie picker ear gunk goop getter outer
nose picker booger wiper um i like where you're going could we get away from perhaps the
boogers because that seems like people would you know just lump them all together oh yeah
no fair enough okay um fart collector um the person who has to scrape off the walls of the
sewer and of oh oh the person who needs to eat uh to find out if the meat's gone bad good good
yes the the goat smeller to see if the goat is rotten in any heat nobody wants to do that job
uh trust me uh the um
um okay remind me where you went you went to go see the wizard um on on pepperoni lane
you make it to pepperoni lane um and the directions that mon gave you and it brings you
to a um a subtly grandiose home it has it's about the same size as all the other homes
around it but has enormous uh pillars set out front um is is runes inscribed all around the
house um from the looks there are no candles lit from on the interior um it looks rather quiet
at this point i will knock gently uh you knock and wait a moment and then um after
i don't know i'd give it 30 to 40 seconds the runes ahead of you and sweeping all around you
illuminate and as if from nowhere a giant light beam is set down on top of you
and there's a booming voice that carries what do you want
uh hi i'm looking for a wise master mesix
it's about a job
about a job i saw uh my friend read a job posting to me saying that you were looking
to stop wizard bandits from stealing your books and where did you find this job
well i was robbed and then i went to go look at the job board and then had to take the job
at the job board and then had to take the job posting back to mon at the nauta library and
he told me what it said and where to find you because you had trouble reading it or because
you did not just know directions well both i'm not from here good good good so you are
are equipped to deal with the arcane
well i maybe i have a couple friends how many wizard bandits are we talking about
we must not talk about this in the streets you see the runes illuminate and then the door
unlatches and then swings open he says come inside we will discuss this in the privacy of
my abode okay i go in you enter and it is like the walls are lined with books um in fact the
books from what you can tell make up the walls and the insulation in the house itself there are
hundreds if not thousands of books in this house and you enter and it's like a labyrinth
walking through a path as you carry into this house and you make it a little ways
and you still don't see anybody uh hello master mesix you hear the door close behind you
from the way you came and you hear scurried hurried footsteps from further back inside the
house nobody responds at this moment are you are you in here and i'm scanning the book
titles obviously because i can't help but do it because does anything seem like crazy are they
all crazy um there's some there's some crazy aliens are among us the right way to cross the
street flushing toilets maybe
what an arcane book collection right so i'm gonna follow the sound of the scurrying that i heard
you make it to a back room and there's a curtain drawn and that's where you hear the
sounds coming from and you hear the voice again he says um yes yes um um we as you can see there
are many books that need protection from these bandit wizards trying to get all the ideas that
i have in here are you up to the task well i guess i'd need a bit more information about
what the task requires and also what the renumeration for the position is the task
requires protection you need to protect my library here of great arcane books
until i can secure them safer storage elsewhere
well between myself and my friends we can we can probably do that there's more of you
you well i i've got a couple friends why did they not come well they're they're busy working
on other jobs right now make a purse this seems like a make a persuasion check
11 okay
well but they can come back with me in the morning
that should be fine how how long do you think it will take you to find safer storage well i'm
i've got transportation in the works you see movement of the curtain and it kind of
parts a little bit and you see a figure standing beyond it's kind of shadowy and
dark you don't quite make out exactly but they close it back up and they say i've got
transportation sorted out i just need someone to basically make sure i'm not attacked on the
front force while i move uh move the library to the rear oh okay what does it pay i have
i was robbed and i have some debts and right as much as i'd like to just help you yes
unfortunately i owe some money well knowing that i can i can renumerate you as you so said
it doesn't sound like an illiterate word he mumbles under his breath but i may i can pay you
both in gold and in teaching you to read
i can pay you and well if you have three friends it splits how much each of you earn
but i could probably pay you for this task that is such a difficult task
75 gold 75 gold between the three of us or 75 gold each 75 gold between the three of you
i will do the math for you as you are not as smart as i that would be 25 gold per individual
and how long again do you think this will take it's tough to say it's tough to say
the transportation system is set up and in place and it could take a day it could take 12
well that's that's quite a range what if we say 75 dollars per day
can i try and persuade him please do
17. 75 gold per per day is is just
is a lot of money i don't know if you know this 75 gold will get you very far how much debt
could you possibly have you are but a young individual well what about 75 gold every two days
every two days then we're getting more within within realm of possibility there is three of us
there is three of sounds like it could be very dangerous bandit wizards falling books maybe
yes books can kill books can kill
all right you have a deal 75 gold every two days but split between the three of you
and i need you back here pronto first thing in the morning well that's fair but before i go
i'd like to introduce myself and i'd like to meet you face to face if we're going to be
working together we must do this do we my name is glim i am it's nice to me i am wise master
me six doesn't part the curtain yet well i'd like to shake your hand can you come out
please or open the curtain make a persuasion roll
damn 12
all right it's only just if uh okay if i show you my face that way we know each other we
can trust each other we know that we're both in this for the good of the books he parts the
curtain and you see not only the curtain part but like an illumination like an enchantment
drops and beyond you see a tall thin blue creature very smooth features and he steps
forward in and has a very frown scowled face on and he says hi
i'm wise master me six it's very nice to meet you it's nice to meet you i'm glim
is he a he is humanoid he's humanoid okay but have i ever seen a creature like this before
no okay well wise master me six i'll return with my friends in the i would expect so
tomorrow morning be here before the bandits
glim heads out and we cut back to sully in the middle of the bar shock suit testa banya
masturbator cow inseminator vomit catcher pee collector uh older judge manual fart releaser
dead person puppetry maggot farmer chicken sexer fart statician whale snot collector
armpit sniffer corpse grinder and then we cut back to moot who's standing in front of a
i figured i would be standing beside him holding his hair back while he was
yacking everywhere yeah no let's say that you're standing beside frank
who is vomiting into the nearest garbage receptacle because you're in a back alleyway
and there happens to be some garbage there sure yeah why would there be it worked
oh i know this isn't very comforting but i'm glad it worked
yeah no this is gonna really do the trick
yeah when she sees what's coming out of you she's not gonna come
anywhere near you oh god yes wow what where did you get that
oh i'm not at liberty to divulge that information good stuff okay
he says i he reaches into his pocket
and pulls out uh a coin satchel and hands of cheese you've done it you you've done it good
sir i don't know if i'm even gonna make it home thank you you're more than welcome frank
watch out for those nice shoes you're wearing though it would be a shame to get
sick all over yeah i already did but i'm too late we find out later that poor frank died of
dehydration cut to two weeks from now the open casket funeral for frank um we cut back to
not a library um i'm assuming moot and glim arrive glim i did it you did it worked it worked
i got the money well i guess that means we can pay our bill right now right yeah we might as
well settle up right now where's uh where's mon is here i'm here and in walks sully sully i i
got the money for mon i got the money that's awesome and i um into your satchel place my two
gold coins that i have earned and like um actually i'm gonna take these and i'm just gonna go
and get us all rooms right now um i need i need a shower well guys we have an appointment
in the morning for my job i know it's not maybe so urgent now but i met the strangest
creature person he was blue and anyway he needs our help protecting his books yeah sure
sounds good he was blue
da ba dee da ba die oh so hoping he would like tom can't say the word blue and then not say
abba dee abba die after
the intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin mcleod of incompetech.filmmusic.io
all other music sound effects and ambience can be found at epidemicsound.com a huge thank you
to our supporting producers christian brown creighton's raven devan michaels gabriel lynch
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of other amazing bonus exclusive content visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast to check
it out today oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes just keep saying yes
till you come up with a name honey it's okay don't call me out otherwise i will just keep
saying yes also via the magic of editing russ was so quick on the name so fast i didn't even
say these words in the bog no no i can't wait why did you say pepperoni i don't know
everything is on the fucking cuff here tonight so you get what you get
uh-huh
Dumbgeons and dragons is a dumb dragons production