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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.

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about your name why not a library uh well you know we were a library oh so you were right they

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were a library yeah i guess it's a very clever name uh the second thing he put down here is

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potatoes potatoes of all sizes okay grab a giant potato bowl for potato soup with a side

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of roasted potatoes he lays the the bill down on the table and says uh take your time

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i have this card it's favoring frequent flyer miles i don't know what this is it's legit and

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i put it back in my pocket oh my gosh you guys there was a lot of gold in there we have to

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retrace our steps maybe we should and i'm not big on this but alert the authorities i reach

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into one final pocket and you you feel something kind of sticky and you pull your

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hand back out and there's some jam on your hand and a note and the note says

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tanks for goblin place oh my god they stole all of our money yeah those turnt little so-and-sos

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oh

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welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons we're a dnd fifth edition actual play podcast and i'm your

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dungeon master rusp More and with me today is tom laird hey that's me i play moot and carla

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max dead that's me i play glim and Amy More also known as mrs dm and i play sullivan slight

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no one has ever called you that i don't know but i think we're gonna start

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well welcome to the show everybody we were so prepared for the last one now we know how

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prepared we are for this one so prepared so we're prepared double triple prepared where we're

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boy scouts really prepared is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast sometimes

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i was gonna say really prepared sometimes we have prepared previously lots like there's a lot

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in there there's a lot of things for you to enjoy and explore if you become a patron like

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tons and hours and hours of bonus content like 40 plus hours of bonus content easily

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prepared so many things prepared like the name we have prepared tonight when you get a

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patron dedication oh that took a real sharp turn wasn't exactly prepared correctly when you are

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yep when you are a patron you get an episode dedicated to you like today's

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patron who we prepared ahead of time jordan cooper thank you thank you jordan and now

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now we should go get a drink

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no like we're done yeah like we're done all right let's go to the not a library

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fuck it let's play dnd you're just trying something new it's just you know

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just leaning into it fake out this guy everybody just gave me a look like what are you doing

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this is not how the podcast clearly i did not know consistency comfort previously you were

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i was uncomfortable because i did not prep a lot but you were very comfortable in the not a

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library tavern inside of el churro the city that you are now in you have eaten potatoes

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and so many wild artichokes or marinated artichokes that you are now full from

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a long travel of just jerky and rations and jam full from a long travel of jerky and

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while eating what word tapestry are you weaving for me right now

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full after long travel of which point you were only eating it's getting better rations

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and jerky and jam you got there okay we all understand language is nebulous it's only

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matters if you get your meaning across and we knew what you meant yeah i thought so

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anyways you have no money and you're sitting at the table figure that shit out mon looks

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over and says yeah yeah just i'll catch it you just leave it on the table i'll i'll get

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you guys when you're uh actually mon can you uh can you come over here for just a second

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yeah just a sec and he finishes up with uh another patron at the bar and he asks

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us over says yeah did you want something else uh well no i was just kind of wondering

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um i give you a lot of really good information um like lots of great ideas yeah um and i

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i'm just kind of like we're just you know i'm young i'm just starting out in my life

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um wondering if like like you would find that information and and the ideas that i gave you

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worth any monetary value um well we haven't implemented them yet so it's hard to say

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whether they would be better than potatoes that that that is true um

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okay what if i level with you here for a second

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mm-hmm and i look at my friends and i go we

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were unknowingly robbed at the last time we went in

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oh no and i turn out my pocket and reveal a handful of jam what is that what you know down

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in daggerford up in daggerford up in daggerford yes they got this large jam jar i have heard of it i

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have not had the privilege to be able to go to daggerford well i wouldn't suggest going

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because the goblins have kind of um there are goblins in daggerford there are goblins in

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daggerford i heard it was just it was a clean cut town with a world's largest jam jar

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well the goblins took over and um and we kind of helped to sort some things out and we even

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did like really great humanitarian things or gobletarian things okay and set up a whole

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district for them so that they would stop their shenanigans of looting and killing and

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robin and stuff like that uh and and we and we left feeling pretty good about ourselves

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and i nod at my friends like right yeah and um and even for our troubles because we were gods

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on a caravan we got 500 gold pieces wow that is a lot of gold pieces it was a lot of gold pieces

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what oh yeah i'm so sorry you guys it was 500 gold pieces oh i thought didn't he tell us 100

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ears kind of perk up for you paying attention ears kind of perk up and people

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paying attention to you the goblins stole all 500 gold pieces i show the um i show i show mon

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the sticky jam note that was left in my pocket i don't i don't need to hold it i can see it

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from here it says mine too i also pull out mine thanks for the goblin place what does that mean

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well we helped them set up a complete district you set up a goblin district in a town

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previously not inhabited by goblins well it was inhabited it was inhabited between

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warring factions and everyone got a share of the town and i guess the goblins also took

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all of our money which brings us to now where we just enjoyed some artichokes and some

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potatoes and and where we could have run out um so what you're saying is you've you've

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come into my establishment in thinking that we had 500 gold pieces my menu oh no i think

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you are twisted no we would never insulted your menu your exclamation your potatoes

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were fantastic the potatoes but now you're telling me you have no money how do you not

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realize you don't have 500 gold that is quite a hefty just by weight well in our defense

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we didn't know we had 500 gold to start with that's true and in my defense i have quite

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the bubble booty and so i was not aware that um my pile of gold was missing from back there

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well what am i to do i am a shop owner who has given you he looks at the

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seven gold worth of potatoes and artichokes what and this is why we have honestly told

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you about this how could we repay you in other ways that maybe do not require gold at this moment

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obviously we're gonna be sleeping outside tonight

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because i'm pretty sure that that they we are an end make a persuasion check

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um

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negative one anybody who can wait persuasion plus four anybody who can justify helping can give

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sully advantage um like suggestions in ways that we could help yes uh well there's the the actual

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action of helping so yes in game you would you you would suggest you know to corroborate

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that's a crit one that's a one okay never mind even if i'm gonna maybe just try sir

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you see him getting a little bit agitated we sincerely apologize for this terrible mistake we

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never would have done this intentionally how can we make it right do you have dishes that you

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need washed or um do you do you have maybe a part of your roof that needs to be repaired

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mood is an expert roof repairman do you like something else we could help with

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do you like fun magical items

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you know you know uh shelly i'm tired tired of hearing about your

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your story right now the other two of you roll persuasion 20 oh i'm persuasive i forgot

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very good yeah pAlydins have like badass charisma yeah uh oh i also have good charisma

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but not as good as yours it was a 16 for me

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look there are hardly any dishes to wash she looks around she's like they've already been

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cleaned you're going to be sleeping on the streets tonight if no one helps you

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you

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there is a job posting board that could get you perhaps the money you require to first pay me

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back but then take care of your negligent bookkeeping if i allow you to stay the night for

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a silver on on credit

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right you go do some jobs you earn the money you need you pay for the potatoes

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we're good if you can't however

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or refuse or disappear all i have to do is call the guard they will find you

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and we will happily work to repay our debt

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right yeah absolutely wait could you point us toward this job board

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yes yes i can it is um towards towards the center of town you can go check it out tonight

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come back rest up go find the people who are offering the jobs tomorrow and see how many you

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can can undertake thank you mon that sounds very fair we're so sorry about this

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you know before the cult attacked i was a much stricter individual and would have perhaps

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just gone straight to the guard but not anymore no i'm looking to take a chance

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on you three we won't like don't change your mind we appreciate that we'll be the first in

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line to look at that message board i would hope so

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do you go look at the message yeah i think yeah we do sheepishly get out of that booth

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and like shuffle past i'm like oh no god sorry amy is uncomfortable right now

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with this i mean i think this exchange too it's so it's very awkward i don't like it

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good i did something yeah um okay you had everybody make a perception check as you

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head out of this uh establishment at disadvantage uh for those feeling extremely ashamed

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um well already wasn't good but oh that's worse to 18 14 uh 18 and 14 you um you begin to head out

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and you see that the the few patrons who are still left in the tavern at this time um a

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couple of them have been eyeing you since the mention of 500 gold was thrown around and a

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couple kind of look at you and they're just shaking their heads and you hear kids these days

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you head out into the streets and follow mon's directions towards the center of town it's

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getting dark but they're lighting uh lamps through the street and you make it to a job

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board where you find that there are several jobs available the first that you read uh sully

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pull it off the board and you read all right here's one uh help my mother-in-law has come

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into town for a visit and i need someone professional to inflict me with some awful

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disease or some other affliction so i have an excuse to stay in bed and not interact or be

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around her please no afflictions that cause permanent damage or death mildly life-threatening

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okay meet me at 10 pm behind that bar that smells like old goat you know the one 50 gold

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upon disease delivery um it sounds like a lot of money but i don't i don't know how i feel

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about inflicting i don't know how to do that can you make someone diseased moot uh i don't

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think i can um no no i i mean i can make him cold does like frostbite count i could like

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stab him or something i mean that puts you out for a while but it seems it seems kind of harsh

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um maybe uh okay well this is the only one that i can reach that's actually low enough for

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me to see is is maybe there another one that because i mean let's put this one in the maybe pile

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yeah okay well here this one's from higher up wanted internship with seasoned adventurers

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i've admired heroes all my life and want to try my hand at it i'm hard working loyal and

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a team player well it grows fast i mean i guess because we're not seasoned enough is that why

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you think it isn't a good option well that and they're not offering any monies well usually with

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internships no no money changes hands yeah so well okay also try hard much i mean come on

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the wanted ads really are your desk we don't want someone that desperate either

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okay you're right you're right oh i see one here uh help local bar needs assistance creating

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a list of 100 dirty jobs no one wants to do a small payment will be available as well as your

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name as a contributing author in the book i'm writing sully that sounds like it'd be great

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for you you've had so many jobs yeah i could probably do that one let's put that in the more

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likely pile okay kate wanted dead or alive bone crusher orc chieftain to the south

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warning very heavily armed and dangerous as many henchmen reward a thousand gold pieces

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oh i mean that's a lot of gold how many is many henchmen

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oh i see i have another one here too um cobalt flour local baker seeks cobalt flour for the

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upcoming monster festival this specialty item can only be found in cobalt encampments will pay

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10 gold pieces per pound maximum of 100 pounds well i'm wondering is that flower made from

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cobalts or is it collected it's what i thought it doesn't really say but you wouldn't think

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they would keep that oh here's when the cobalt encampment right oh i would hope not i i don't

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know well what about this one um music tuta my son stevie wants to be a bot but the kid has

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absolutely no talent brutal parents i want to enjoy my time at home without the shrieking

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of his horrible electric loot destroying the peace i'll pay you 10 gold to give him some

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lessons and if after a couple his music becomes less painful i'll give you 100 gold bonus

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contact john harris at 75 latin avenue does anyone does anyone play the loot

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i don't i also do not play a loot so so far the best one that we have read so far is i will

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come up with 100 dirty jobs bookkeepers needed not really bandit wizards have been trying to

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steal my personal library of arcane books need tough preferably illiterate bodies to

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defend collection until i can secure safer storage oh well i think we could be the muscle

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we could be muscle we are not illiterate but that's just a preference well yeah we can just

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say we have no interest in reading books i guess some of us have interest but i can lie

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i could fake it okay so we've got bandit wizards we've got the what was his name bone

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crusher bone crusher we've got cobalt flower cobalt flower hundred dirty jobs or that guy

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you could stab that guy oh yeah what about what about food poisoning for the guy would that be

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an option what if we got him like some really rank food and had him eat that you know what

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maybe this sounds like something that we should all take a job and go and talk to the people

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and get a little more information like moot you talk to the guy you say hey would food

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poisoning be adequate and i will go and talk to the person who needs 100 dirty jobs and you

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know ask what his you know level of dirty is exactly and then maybe you glim could go and

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talk to uh the person who needs some muscle for the wizard bandits okay okay yeah i'll get

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some more details there's no there's no um what does he even say how much money he's

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gonna give us he doesn't even say how much money exactly we definitely need some more information

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from that guy okay uh so what's the thing you're gonna take each take a job here

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and then or at least no we're gonna go like get some info and then meet back up and then

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tomorrow maybe do some jobs perfect okay well the one i'm going to talk about is uh 10 p.m

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so it has to happen tonight if it's gonna happen right yeah you look at your watch and

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it's uh 9 47 okay uh i i roll back into not a library and flag down mon and i say uh mon

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do you have any uh like really old spoiled food that you're like throwing away or maybe

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you know where i could find some really old spoiled food well we um we don't throw out

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a lot of food you know we purchase uh perfect amounts for the people that we sell to why do

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you need spoil i just gave you really good food why do you need no i know your food was delicious

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i need spoiled food for a job oh you went down to the board and this is yeah this is one of the

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things on the board so is do you know where i could that's fine so okay um i mean let me go

191
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look in the back i guess how spoiled do you need it he's yelling as he's walking into the kitchen

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i mean more spoiled the better or if you have any mild poisons you hear a muffled conversation

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um he pokes his head back around did you say poisons yeah

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oh give me a second he goes out when you hear a door opening in the back of the kitchen

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oh just yelling from back there oh god why did moot come back here okay now you open up the

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door and head in there i started you can see he's got goop on his hands he's like i started

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his hands he's like i started rummaging through the the trash and i thought why would i do this

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when it's your job sure feel free to look through and see if anything is as spoiled as you desire

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okay and about the maybe mild poisons i i mean no we don't have poisons here we're

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we're a tavern okay you know just thought i would ask you know there's maybe been like

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a rodent problem or something in the past no we're very clean we're not like the old goat in

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okay all right good to know good to know and where is that old goat in

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oh it's on the other side of town oh okay bit of a hike you'd have to run fast if that's

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where you're going to get spoiled foods yeah is is does it also smell like an old goat

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by the old goat in i mean we are very aptly named not a library old goat in smells like old goat

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okay perfect yeah um do i see any food that would uh fit the bill for my plan

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make an investigation check well i would love to do that investigate that shit that is after

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bonus come on investigation a 16 um you find something that you think would probably be it

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looks it smells a little off you tell me what you find though uh i find like a a charcuterie

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board that had been left out for like three days with no refrigeration okay cool um yeah

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you find that and mon looks at you and uh yeah that looks great you let me know how this one

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goes i'm curious to see what happens well i should i should know tonight great great great great

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okay well uh yeah old goat in other side of town take

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sully and uh glim yours um probably more daytime oriented what do you do

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while you're waiting for moot is this a real nightlife kind of town if it seems like the town's

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still bumping we can go talk to these people right now yeah there's things happening sure

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yeah who wants to go first i'll go okay where do you go i go back in

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poor mon well he's the only guy we know i go talk to mon shully you're back oh yes

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do you need charcuterie too oh uh no i i i don't really like seafood all that much um but i was

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wondering i i see this ad here for there's a local bar that needs assistance and i was hoping

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to help him out very cool do you know where i can find him are you a musician in and of

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your own no but i've had a lot of jobs oh you were a musician well i was a musician

223
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there's a slight pronunciation difference i was a musician yes oh great um does it say which

224
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bard you're looking for uh he's writing a book well uh at this time of night they're probably

225
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earning their living working one of the other taverns of them my own so i'll just go back up

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and then if you so desire here see if i can't get a rash here is the local bar hopping map

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oh yes this is a nightlife to kind of say it is not what i would have expected well thanks so

228
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much mon we're gonna pay you back man we're hard working we're no schlaps i can tell i can

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tell already that you three glim do you need help i do i'm sorry um i'm looking

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for a person who has a large library of arcane books that someone might be trying to steal

231
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does that sound like anything it's weird if you wanted help from someone you would

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not give any contact information and even more confusingly it explicitly says he prefers

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illiterate people in a written ad

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i love that

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i didn't even clue that in that's awesome it's just thinking about how i would find this um

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okay excuse me sir i had someone read this for me yeah um okay let me let me look at

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the note and he takes it from you he says yes okay this is the handwriting it does say

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illiterate so you're gonna perhaps want to tell them that um you you had your friends read it

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for you yes yes it seems like a wise way to approach the situation um wise master mesix

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is the one you want to look for and where do you think he might be

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um well you would find wise master mesix um at his at his abode at his home um on on uh

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pepperoni

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on pepperoni lane

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in the cured meats you know it well well we were walking past i smelled something so

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okay i will find wise master mesix thank you thank you again for all your help we're gonna

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we're gonna get you paid back as soon as we can i can't wait i can't wait

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so

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hey we're here in the middle it's time to sing the song what we call the middle

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keep going oh now break it down for the rap part russ this is where we talk about the middle

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and we don't know where it begins or ends but it's the middle perfect i love the middle

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middle line beautiful yeah yeah thanks everybody um that's all i'm here for uh and take it away

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00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:54,560
where we do more awesome singing is over on Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast where

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we're reaching another goal can you believe it so goal oriented you're very goal oriented

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the last goal was kind of a funsies goal where we did an austin powers one-shot game

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yeah we did if you haven't listened to that become a patron so you can because it's really

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something it's it's something else it's available entirely but our next goal um we are what we're

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trying to do with this what we do with all of our goals is we pay for all of our hosting

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we pay for all of our subscription services um music sound effects uh editing software

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microphones liquor for amy liquor for amy very important podcasting tool yes contest prizes

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which we have another one in the works coming up very very soon more announcements coming up

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about that later because it's not totally planned out i just said it so now it's going

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to happen now insane hand movements tonight he's typing on an imaginary computer he's airbending

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um but our next goal so uh what we're doing is we're making sure that we can say for maybe

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doing some some cons or some other contests or some something coming up and what will happen

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when we hit 450 a month over on Patreon is we will record a character swap episode

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now do we get to choose the characters are we gonna roll dice to decide or are we gonna pick

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carolyn i love that carolyn i love letting dice decide yeah i do i do like it how i picture it is

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we will allow patrons to either pick a character set or three individual characters and a gm

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because the gm is going to go into the hat too oh yeah forgot to mention that uh russ

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just did that thing where like villains will bite their fingers he made like quite an evil

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little face yeah um so the the gm will go into the hat and then we'll figure out how we're

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gonna pick the the three characters with all of the patrons who come and join us

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and then we'll just draw and see who's running the game and who's playing who

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and i think it's gonna be a hoot it's gonna be something is this removed from

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questions i have in the middle for us bring stuff up and i'm like hmm

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is this removed from the timeline or what you do as thea gonna fuck up the rest of my thea life

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i mean that depends where we're at i think we'll see how it goes you know what characters

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it ends up being it could be gone and come back that could be a thing yeah it could be

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just whoever DMs make sure that you somehow cancel amy's spells yes and i guess kill my

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characters yeah so it might be a non-canonical game but i think it will be fun regardless but

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that's going on over at Patreon Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast we want you to join us

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come join us over there it'll be a blast and now we'll get you back to the episode

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where take us out with a rap where they're doing all the sweet dirty jobs

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and they're gonna do something with dirty job lists

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okay bye i'm sorry goodbye

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okay we cut back to moot who's made it to the old goat inn and it does in fact you can get

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whiffs as you round the corner of a certain farm animal perhaps a goat i get it yeah name

288
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name checks out you you check the local time keeper and it is uh it is just past 10 o'clock

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uh i make my way behind the bar does he yell something like

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just past 10 o'clock and all is well do you know where your children are exact

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uh hello hello is anyone back here uh you hear uh kind of bumping of uh of piled up

292
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ugly because you're behind a bar yeah and then those two people say excuse me

293
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oh sorry looking for the guy who's afraid of his mother in law yeah that way oh all right

294
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perfect thanks for the heads up they just carry on and um and yeah you turn around and you see

295
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a uh a a younger uh kind of late 20s early 30s human male awkwardly standing beside two people

296
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bumping uglies oh my you picked a hell of a place to stand behind an inn that smells like

297
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all the goats maybe they've got a thing for like being in public yeah i guess

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yeah uh he looks to you and says yeah what's what's it to you uh well i was i was curious

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uh would like food poisoning work would that knock you down a peg for a day or two oh

300
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you're here about the job not just watching the people bumping uglies no is this why you

301
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picked this time because you wanted to just sit here and watch this i mean there's nothing

302
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good on tv right now what's the tv it's the the the the box that i have oh you've you've got a

303
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box yeah okay cool yeah cool sometimes the rats get up and dance on top of it back to the

304
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previous question right would food poisoning work for your little endeavor oh you know

305
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she's seen through food poisoning before let me uh what kind of food poisoning are we talking

306
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about here well we're talking like it's coming out of both ends of you're not sure which one

307
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it's gonna come out of next you know the real good kind of food poisoning that's that's that

308
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you're gonna have food poisoning that's the kind you want the kind where you're still

309
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winded walking upstairs like three weeks later oh the kind where you don't leave the bathroom

310
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yeah um how long do we think this food poisoning would last and i was was hoping for

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something that would uh allow me to stay in my bed as the ad dictates sure um but i mean i'm

312
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working on a tight timeline here and this is the best i could come up with okay so if if

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you don't feel like it's gonna work i mean like this will work and get you out of your mother-in-law's

314
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:40,480
sites for a day or two look see i like where your head's at

315
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:52,640
i'm gonna take i'm gonna make a persuasion check oh it was a 19 i hoped it was a 20 so badly

316
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because then you could yell something right i could yell yeah yeah i was leaving it is a

317
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nine um 24 i guess after my bonus you know i didn't want to be

318
00:37:10,159 --> 00:37:16,319
so indisposed but i mean i feel like you're trying to have it both ways here a little too

319
00:37:16,319 --> 00:37:22,480
fine my friend yeah you're right you're the only one who's shown up so far okay okay

320
00:37:22,639 --> 00:37:31,199
here's here's what i can do i'm gonna eat this yep if i get as ill as you say i'm going to get

321
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i shall deliver the funds to you directly right now we'll wait until it kicks in you and i here

322
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:48,000
together just while these other people are still here how else full just uh you see the other

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00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:53,840
two people at the top the conversation that you have and you'd be like jeez like get a room

324
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and they begin uh fair robing and and re-robing re-robing they were fully disrobed behind

325
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them wow all z i like it yeah i think it plays into their you know in public uh situation

326
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:16,960
they're asking to be caught right i'm not gonna yuck there y'all right exactly uh you

327
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:23,039
might be yucking some yum here though so um well it's like the things we do for money right

328
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:30,480
part of the stipulation of the job there sorry your name was uh moot my name's perfect frank

329
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:38,000
nice to meet you um part of the stipulation is to make sure that the the disease works

330
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:42,559
i don't want to have you know say i got an iron gullet and i can stomach this he sniffs it

331
00:38:43,199 --> 00:38:48,719
oh if i can stomach it that's obviously not worth 50 gold and i wouldn't end up in bed

332
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:54,799
for for days on end shitting out all of the bad things inside of me

333
00:38:55,599 --> 00:39:02,719
yep oh boy there are bad things i mean if if it does work and you're not interacting or

334
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:06,480
be rounding your being around your mother-in-law then i feel like it's well worth this is my

335
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:13,039
point good friend moot um so let us eat no no there will be no us

336
00:39:14,559 --> 00:39:20,719
right yes no sorry this is a solo endeavor for you my friend um force of habit i i

337
00:39:22,079 --> 00:39:28,159
never mind let me eat hand me the the the food he begins eating

338
00:39:29,039 --> 00:39:36,639
so lee you've made it to your fifth bar i'm a little drunk make a constitution saving it is

339
00:39:36,639 --> 00:39:42,159
just a little it's in bad form to go into a tavern and to not have a pint reminder you

340
00:39:42,159 --> 00:39:46,399
don't have any money so how have you been paying for these i've been making good friends

341
00:39:46,399 --> 00:39:53,279
who've been like oh man buy this guy a beer that kind of thing okay cool um that was i'm

342
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:59,760
that was i'm sorry it was constitution constitution oh that's a plus one nine

343
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:07,200
so you are as they say wasted awesome yeah and you make it to the fifth bar and there's some

344
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:12,560
i mean there's been some music but um i mean the the inquiries you've had about the the

345
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:16,960
bards playing up up to this point have led you to believe that they weren't the person that

346
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:22,960
you were looking for and you come into this bar and there is very loud music happening

347
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:29,360
everybody is up and dancing and having a grand old time and you walk to the front and you see

348
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:37,840
a a tall slender female with leather a leather dress very bedazzled she's has a sitar

349
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:44,560
wow all right real ethnic up in here yeah she's very swanky she's plucking and strumming and

350
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:49,600
everybody's moving to the do you say the crowd is undulating they're undulating gross

351
00:40:49,599 --> 00:40:56,880
undulating crowd let me give you a suggestion disgusting you think this would be

352
00:40:57,679 --> 00:41:04,319
where people would be doing it on the bar or no on the bar maybe you're right maybe um

353
00:41:04,319 --> 00:41:09,119
and she finishes her set and she comes down off the stage and she goes up to the bar and

354
00:41:09,119 --> 00:41:13,599
grabs her drink and she's just meeting and greeting with a few people who are shaking

355
00:41:13,599 --> 00:41:20,400
her hand um what do you do i walk up to her confidently and i say i think you you might be

356
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:28,719
the bar bard i'm looking for and uh what what bard are you looking for i'm looking for the

357
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:40,960
bard who wants the dirty jobs you you you saw my ear here hear about the posting absolutely

358
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:46,079
wonderful wonderful well come have a seat come have a seat thank you must figure out what kind

359
00:41:46,079 --> 00:41:53,199
of jobs that these dirty jobs are that you will be suggesting to me for my book that i'm writing

360
00:41:53,199 --> 00:41:58,480
absolutely you know what i just have to say number one you're out for this fantastic

361
00:41:59,039 --> 00:42:04,320
thank you yours is sparkles yours is wonderful as well i like the the leathers that you have

362
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:09,360
going on there as well yes your leathers and all them like did i mention the sparkles

363
00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:18,640
let me introduce myself my name is lady extravaganza oh wow very so i'm picturing

364
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,840
she is dressed like uh rob halford from judas priest

365
00:42:24,079 --> 00:42:31,519
yeah yeah exactly perfect you have charisma uniqueness nerve and talent my friend

366
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:38,480
thank you you're trying to butter me up but um rest does not know but thank you for laughing

367
00:42:39,039 --> 00:42:45,119
right you gotta get the reveal at the end and anyone else who likes if you somehow pull off

368
00:42:45,119 --> 00:42:51,119
a wig and have another wig underneath that would be ideal rupal's dry grace oh yeah and it spells

369
00:42:51,119 --> 00:42:57,360
out cunt oh yeah sure perfect yeah miss the reference sorry sorry i haven't caught up for

370
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:01,840
you it must have been later seasons that that one came out every time oh yeah it's like

371
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:07,119
pretty much every episode that's okay it's all right all right uh so we we need uh

372
00:43:08,639 --> 00:43:16,559
i need a list of a hundred dirty jobs that no one no one wants to do

373
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:23,039
you think you're up to that job oh i have no one's been up to that job before that's number one

374
00:43:23,039 --> 00:43:28,559
creating this list well you know what i'm gonna have to come up with a hundred and one

375
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:34,240
because that one doesn't count also i'm not good at math

376
00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:43,840
so i mean you still have to only come up with 100 yes i would um but also there is a question

377
00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:49,840
about payment i am not going to come up with a hundred dirty jobs and then have you go thanks

378
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:54,720
and then not pay me because let me tell you right now unfortunately i was robbed and i did

379
00:43:54,720 --> 00:44:00,240
not find out about this until after i had already ordered potatoes oh yes the potato

380
00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:07,440
yeah well he you know mon is he's a nice guy and uh and i'm just trying to do right by him

381
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:12,560
but i don't want to waste my time coming up with a hundred jobs which i can totally do

382
00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:18,800
and then not get paid at the end no yes there will be payment there will be payment it's not

383
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:25,920
much you know the the author gig is not um not one that pays a lot up front oh no fair enough

384
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:31,280
yes um so as as my as my advertisement said uh a small payment

385
00:44:33,599 --> 00:44:41,599
which is what uh two gold oh that is not gonna cover the potatoes but but but

386
00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:50,720
your name would go into the book as a contributing author fame and fortune when

387
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,560
this one strikes the streets

388
00:44:55,840 --> 00:45:00,720
this sounds a lot like when people ask artists to do work for free for exposure yeah

389
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:09,200
let me my portfolio look two gold is worth plenty plenty to someone

390
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:15,280
who has has no gold and we're merely listing jobs

391
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:20,560
all right fine you got yourself a you got yourself a writing instrument

392
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:31,600
i do let's fucking do this all right ready go wedgie picker ear gunk goop getter outer

393
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:39,600
nose picker booger wiper um i like where you're going could we get away from perhaps the

394
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:43,680
boogers because that seems like people would you know just lump them all together oh yeah

395
00:45:43,679 --> 00:45:51,519
no fair enough okay um fart collector um the person who has to scrape off the walls of the

396
00:45:51,519 --> 00:46:00,719
sewer and of oh oh the person who needs to eat uh to find out if the meat's gone bad good good

397
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:06,079
yes the the goat smeller to see if the goat is rotten in any heat nobody wants to do that job

398
00:46:06,559 --> 00:46:09,920
uh trust me uh the um

399
00:46:13,279 --> 00:46:20,159
um okay remind me where you went you went to go see the wizard um on on pepperoni lane

400
00:46:24,079 --> 00:46:29,199
you make it to pepperoni lane um and the directions that mon gave you and it brings you

401
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:39,440
to a um a subtly grandiose home it has it's about the same size as all the other homes

402
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:47,760
around it but has enormous uh pillars set out front um is is runes inscribed all around the

403
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:55,600
house um from the looks there are no candles lit from on the interior um it looks rather quiet

404
00:46:55,679 --> 00:47:06,559
at this point i will knock gently uh you knock and wait a moment and then um after

405
00:47:08,079 --> 00:47:17,199
i don't know i'd give it 30 to 40 seconds the runes ahead of you and sweeping all around you

406
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:24,720
illuminate and as if from nowhere a giant light beam is set down on top of you

407
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:31,600
and there's a booming voice that carries what do you want

408
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:38,080
uh hi i'm looking for a wise master mesix

409
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:41,440
it's about a job

410
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:50,079
about a job i saw uh my friend read a job posting to me saying that you were looking

411
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:59,360
to stop wizard bandits from stealing your books and where did you find this job

412
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:06,800
well i was robbed and then i went to go look at the job board and then had to take the job

413
00:48:07,039 --> 00:48:12,960
at the job board and then had to take the job posting back to mon at the nauta library and

414
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:20,560
he told me what it said and where to find you because you had trouble reading it or because

415
00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:30,800
you did not just know directions well both i'm not from here good good good so you are

416
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:35,920
are equipped to deal with the arcane

417
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:47,600
well i maybe i have a couple friends how many wizard bandits are we talking about

418
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:52,720
we must not talk about this in the streets you see the runes illuminate and then the door

419
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:58,880
unlatches and then swings open he says come inside we will discuss this in the privacy of

420
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:09,760
my abode okay i go in you enter and it is like the walls are lined with books um in fact the

421
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:15,920
books from what you can tell make up the walls and the insulation in the house itself there are

422
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:21,039
hundreds if not thousands of books in this house and you enter and it's like a labyrinth

423
00:49:21,119 --> 00:49:28,639
walking through a path as you carry into this house and you make it a little ways

424
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:38,639
and you still don't see anybody uh hello master mesix you hear the door close behind you

425
00:49:38,639 --> 00:49:47,440
from the way you came and you hear scurried hurried footsteps from further back inside the

426
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:58,240
house nobody responds at this moment are you are you in here and i'm scanning the book

427
00:49:58,240 --> 00:50:03,840
titles obviously because i can't help but do it because does anything seem like crazy are they

428
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:12,240
all crazy um there's some there's some crazy aliens are among us the right way to cross the

429
00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:18,800
street flushing toilets maybe

430
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:31,920
what an arcane book collection right so i'm gonna follow the sound of the scurrying that i heard

431
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:39,120
you make it to a back room and there's a curtain drawn and that's where you hear the

432
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:47,440
sounds coming from and you hear the voice again he says um yes yes um um we as you can see there

433
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:56,079
are many books that need protection from these bandit wizards trying to get all the ideas that

434
00:50:56,079 --> 00:51:06,960
i have in here are you up to the task well i guess i'd need a bit more information about

435
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:12,159
what the task requires and also what the renumeration for the position is the task

436
00:51:12,159 --> 00:51:19,119
requires protection you need to protect my library here of great arcane books

437
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:24,880
until i can secure them safer storage elsewhere

438
00:51:27,599 --> 00:51:32,960
well between myself and my friends we can we can probably do that there's more of you

439
00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:41,519
you well i i've got a couple friends why did they not come well they're they're busy working

440
00:51:41,519 --> 00:51:47,840
on other jobs right now make a purse this seems like a make a persuasion check

441
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,480
11 okay

442
00:51:57,519 --> 00:52:00,720
well but they can come back with me in the morning

443
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:09,679
that should be fine how how long do you think it will take you to find safer storage well i'm

444
00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:16,079
i've got transportation in the works you see movement of the curtain and it kind of

445
00:52:16,079 --> 00:52:20,559
parts a little bit and you see a figure standing beyond it's kind of shadowy and

446
00:52:20,559 --> 00:52:24,880
dark you don't quite make out exactly but they close it back up and they say i've got

447
00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:31,039
transportation sorted out i just need someone to basically make sure i'm not attacked on the

448
00:52:31,039 --> 00:52:41,199
front force while i move uh move the library to the rear oh okay what does it pay i have

449
00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:46,880
i was robbed and i have some debts and right as much as i'd like to just help you yes

450
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:57,199
unfortunately i owe some money well knowing that i can i can renumerate you as you so said

451
00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:04,880
it doesn't sound like an illiterate word he mumbles under his breath but i may i can pay you

452
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:09,920
both in gold and in teaching you to read

453
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:20,480
i can pay you and well if you have three friends it splits how much each of you earn

454
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:25,920
but i could probably pay you for this task that is such a difficult task

455
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:38,640
75 gold 75 gold between the three of us or 75 gold each 75 gold between the three of you

456
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:46,160
i will do the math for you as you are not as smart as i that would be 25 gold per individual

457
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:55,120
and how long again do you think this will take it's tough to say it's tough to say

458
00:53:55,119 --> 00:54:01,920
the transportation system is set up and in place and it could take a day it could take 12

459
00:54:05,039 --> 00:54:15,199
well that's that's quite a range what if we say 75 dollars per day

460
00:54:19,519 --> 00:54:21,279
can i try and persuade him please do

461
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:28,720
17. 75 gold per per day is is just

462
00:54:31,519 --> 00:54:39,920
is a lot of money i don't know if you know this 75 gold will get you very far how much debt

463
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:49,200
could you possibly have you are but a young individual well what about 75 gold every two days

464
00:54:49,200 --> 00:54:56,400
every two days then we're getting more within within realm of possibility there is three of us

465
00:54:56,400 --> 00:55:02,880
there is three of sounds like it could be very dangerous bandit wizards falling books maybe

466
00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:06,960
yes books can kill books can kill

467
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:14,720
all right you have a deal 75 gold every two days but split between the three of you

468
00:55:14,720 --> 00:55:20,640
and i need you back here pronto first thing in the morning well that's fair but before i go

469
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:24,080
i'd like to introduce myself and i'd like to meet you face to face if we're going to be

470
00:55:24,080 --> 00:55:32,880
working together we must do this do we my name is glim i am it's nice to me i am wise master

471
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:39,760
me six doesn't part the curtain yet well i'd like to shake your hand can you come out

472
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,160
please or open the curtain make a persuasion roll

473
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:47,680
damn 12

474
00:55:50,000 --> 00:56:00,080
all right it's only just if uh okay if i show you my face that way we know each other we

475
00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:06,320
can trust each other we know that we're both in this for the good of the books he parts the

476
00:56:06,400 --> 00:56:12,960
curtain and you see not only the curtain part but like an illumination like an enchantment

477
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:26,640
drops and beyond you see a tall thin blue creature very smooth features and he steps

478
00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:33,759
forward in and has a very frown scowled face on and he says hi

479
00:56:36,559 --> 00:56:43,199
i'm wise master me six it's very nice to meet you it's nice to meet you i'm glim

480
00:56:45,359 --> 00:56:51,920
is he a he is humanoid he's humanoid okay but have i ever seen a creature like this before

481
00:56:52,880 --> 00:57:02,000
no okay well wise master me six i'll return with my friends in the i would expect so

482
00:57:03,360 --> 00:57:08,960
tomorrow morning be here before the bandits

483
00:57:11,440 --> 00:57:16,960
glim heads out and we cut back to sully in the middle of the bar shock suit testa banya

484
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:25,199
masturbator cow inseminator vomit catcher pee collector uh older judge manual fart releaser

485
00:57:25,199 --> 00:57:32,800
dead person puppetry maggot farmer chicken sexer fart statician whale snot collector

486
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:39,440
armpit sniffer corpse grinder and then we cut back to moot who's standing in front of a

487
00:57:40,240 --> 00:57:43,840
i figured i would be standing beside him holding his hair back while he was

488
00:57:44,559 --> 00:57:50,160
yacking everywhere yeah no let's say that you're standing beside frank

489
00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:59,039
who is vomiting into the nearest garbage receptacle because you're in a back alleyway

490
00:57:59,039 --> 00:58:04,160
and there happens to be some garbage there sure yeah why would there be it worked

491
00:58:04,719 --> 00:58:11,920
oh i know this isn't very comforting but i'm glad it worked

492
00:58:14,879 --> 00:58:17,199
yeah no this is gonna really do the trick

493
00:58:19,119 --> 00:58:22,319
yeah when she sees what's coming out of you she's not gonna come

494
00:58:22,319 --> 00:58:30,799
anywhere near you oh god yes wow what where did you get that

495
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:35,840
oh i'm not at liberty to divulge that information good stuff okay

496
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:39,760
he says i he reaches into his pocket

497
00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:50,160
and pulls out uh a coin satchel and hands of cheese you've done it you you've done it good

498
00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:58,320
sir i don't know if i'm even gonna make it home thank you you're more than welcome frank

499
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,920
watch out for those nice shoes you're wearing though it would be a shame to get

500
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:09,760
sick all over yeah i already did but i'm too late we find out later that poor frank died of

501
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:19,760
dehydration cut to two weeks from now the open casket funeral for frank um we cut back to

502
00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:29,280
not a library um i'm assuming moot and glim arrive glim i did it you did it worked it worked

503
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:36,160
i got the money well i guess that means we can pay our bill right now right yeah we might as

504
00:59:36,160 --> 00:59:42,800
well settle up right now where's uh where's mon is here i'm here and in walks sully sully i i

505
00:59:42,800 --> 00:59:49,920
got the money for mon i got the money that's awesome and i um into your satchel place my two

506
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:58,640
gold coins that i have earned and like um actually i'm gonna take these and i'm just gonna go

507
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:06,240
and get us all rooms right now um i need i need a shower well guys we have an appointment

508
01:00:06,240 --> 01:00:10,880
in the morning for my job i know it's not maybe so urgent now but i met the strangest

509
01:00:10,880 --> 01:00:19,200
creature person he was blue and anyway he needs our help protecting his books yeah sure

510
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:22,640
sounds good he was blue

511
01:00:24,800 --> 01:00:31,519
da ba dee da ba die oh so hoping he would like tom can't say the word blue and then not say

512
01:00:31,519 --> 01:00:34,159
abba dee abba die after

513
01:01:01,519 --> 01:01:20,159
the intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin mcleod of incompetech.filmmusic.io

514
01:01:20,159 --> 01:01:26,400
all other music sound effects and ambience can be found at epidemicsound.com a huge thank you

515
01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:32,480
to our supporting producers christian brown creighton's raven devan michaels gabriel lynch

516
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:38,240
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517
01:01:38,240 --> 01:01:43,760
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518
01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:49,680
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519
01:01:49,680 --> 01:01:55,840
of other amazing bonus exclusive content visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast to check

520
01:01:55,840 --> 01:02:03,760
it out today oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes just keep saying yes

521
01:02:03,760 --> 01:02:09,280
till you come up with a name honey it's okay don't call me out otherwise i will just keep

522
01:02:09,280 --> 01:02:15,920
saying yes also via the magic of editing russ was so quick on the name so fast i didn't even

523
01:02:15,920 --> 01:02:25,119
say these words in the bog no no i can't wait why did you say pepperoni i don't know

524
01:02:27,760 --> 01:02:31,599
everything is on the fucking cuff here tonight so you get what you get

525
01:02:32,079 --> 01:02:33,279
uh-huh

526
01:02:33,279 --> 01:02:38,239
Dumbgeons and dragons is a dumb dragons production